End of Year Reflections

The year's end always occasions reflection of the year past and the year ahead. As I look back at my incarceration experience, though, I realize that my view of this time of year has changed from how I thought about it on the inside. During my time in prison, the New Year holiday quickly became my favorite. As the numbers on the calendar changed, I grew closer to the time of my eventual release from prison. For most people in prison--and particularly for someone serving a long time in prison--it's all about the number of the year on the calendar. Yes, as the numbers in the year change, hope and anticipation increase. So, while inside, I always greeted the new year with tremendous satisfaction.

Now that I'm on the outside, however, my view of the new year has become more philosophical. That is, it doesn't bring the quiet joy of times past. Yes, of course, I'm very happy to have my freedom again. Nonetheless, as readers of this blog know well, the joy of regaining one's freedom after prison soon gives way, for most formerly incarcerated persons, to a profound dismay caused by all of the unavoidable obstacles to successful reentry returning prisoners experience. Yes, I'd much rather be out here dealing with all of it but it hasn't been easy at all. If I were a man of lesser inner resources--and less support from family and friends-- I don't know how I would have managed to breathe as easily as I do. Two-thirds of former prisoners get re-arrested within three (3) years of their release from prison. Over fifty percent of them get sent back to prison within those same three (3) years. The third anniversary of my reentry is still a few months away.

Yes, my view of the new year has become more philosophical. I reflect over the difficulties of the past two-and-a-half years. I feel very fortunate to have the chance to live freely again, when so many of the people I did time with remain behind bars. I know that, as difficult as my reentry has been, it could have been--and still could be--much worse. That remains a very sobering reality check over my emotions. For many of my comrades in the reentering community, however, the mental and emotional balancing act that I may accomplish as a matter of routine often proves a hopeless endeavor.

That said, I do greet the new year with a good degree of hope and confidence. Ultimately, I refuse to surrender to even the intimation of failure. In perhaps my favorite movie, Glory, Morgan Freeman's character utters a very moving and memorable line, when he says that if he should fall in the battle of the next day, "Tell my people that I went down standing up." Failure in my reentry is just not an option. There is no hunger strong enough to drive me to behavior that takes me back to prison. None. I'll die of starvation first.

However hard the task before me, I believe in my ability to get it done, and in my ultimate success in doing so...the right way.